Phyllis Maria Cologera

"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

~Dylan Thomas~


Shock & Denial: √√√

Pain: √√√

Anger & Bargaining: √√√

I am not even remotely religious. I don't believe that there is just one Deity pulling strings and pushing buttons.

But my Mother was. And she did believe.

She believed in one. Just one.

So, going on that...

I'm wondering how a God who was loved so much by her, would take her away so suddenly, and in a way that was not peaceful. She suffered at the end. She suffered hard.

I'm so angry at whoever pushed that button.

I've had People talk a lot to me about "God's Plan" and the one he must have had for her.

I'm sorry, but "God's Plan" is really f***ed up.

I can understand that he wanted her.

I can understand that he needed her.

But I did too.

She was my Mother.

I've lost many People in various ways.

But none of them could ever compare to this.

It's so hard to believe that a Month has passed since that Light went out. It's still as fresh as the night at the Hospital.

And in many ways I think it will always be.

Maybe with time it will get easier. Maybe I can actually get through just one day without crying at some point in it.

But there's no end in the near future that I can see.

Because the end of this tunnel is missing its Light.